


Please Don't Leave Me

by angelofthequeers



Series: Oneshots [34]
Category: Supernatural
Genre: Anal Fingering, Anal Sex, Angry Dean Winchester, Angst, Blow Jobs, Bottom Castiel, Castiel Has Self-Worth Issues, Coda, Crying Castiel, Emotional Sex, Episode: s12e19 The Future, Fluff, Gentle Sex, Kissing, Loving Dean, M/M, Romance, Rough Kissing, So does Dean tbh, Top Dean
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-29
Updated: 2017-04-29
Packaged: 2018-10-25 07:05:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10759218
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/angelofthequeers/pseuds/angelofthequeers
Summary: After Cas leaves Dean again, Dean's furious. When he comes to apologise, chick flick moments are had and confessions are made, and Dean's forced to confront his crippling abandonment issues and the nature of this relationship between him and Cas. Inspired by 'Please Don't Leave Me' by P!nk.





	Please Don't Leave Me

**Author's Note:**

  * For [casszepptraxx](https://archiveofourown.org/users/casszepptraxx/gifts).



> Disclaimer: I don’t own SPN.
> 
> I know, I know. I’ve been absent again. But between essays, my own novel (CHAPTER 4 BITCHES), and a very addictive game, I lost my fanfic spark.
> 
> Then I watched the newest episode. And I am dead. ANGRY HUSBAND DEAN AGAIN (though I hate how the writers use ‘nephilim’ for the one kid – that’s the plural version of ‘nephil’, guys -_-)
> 
> DO NOT LISTEN TO ‘Please Don’t Leave Me’ BY P!nk AND THINK OF DESTIEL OR YOU WILL BE SORRY
> 
> Written for a friend who needed a bit of cheering up! Sorry it’s late!

 

Dean’s fuming. Actually, fuming isn’t even a strong enough word to describe the utter betrayal he feels towards Cas. Who the fuck does Cas think he is, just vanishing with a big ‘fuck you’ to all the missed phone calls Dean had made and then waltzing back like nothing’s changed? He can’t say he’s surprised, since Cas has made it a habit to fuck off like Dean means nothing to go play with his other friends – angels, Crowley, whatever – and then come crawling back when he gets stabbed in the back.

Dean totally isn’t sulking. He’s not. He’s just fucked off at the guy he’s only been in love with since, hmm, the angel had gone for a nice dip in while being played like a chomper puppet.

A sudden knock at his bedroom door jolts him out of what he’s doing on his computer – hell, he’s lost track of whatever it was. Before the door’s even open, he can tell it’s Cas. Sam’s knocks are louder, like the giant moose he is, but Cas’ knocks are softer, as though he’s worried about disturbing whoever’s on the other side.  That thought shouldn’t fill Dean’s insides with the warm and fuzzies but it does, and he hates himself for it.

“Dean,” Cas says after a moment of frosty silence. “I’m sorry.”

Dean resolutely ignores him. So what if he’s sulking? He’s got the damn right after everything Cas has put him through these past few weeks. Cas fucking _knows_ that Dean’s biggest fear is abandonment – he _knows_ , and he just zapped off again like it means nothing that he’s smashed Dean’s walls to bit and carved a hole in Dean’s heart to settle down in.

Though maybe Dean deserves it, after he’d kicked Cas out for Gadreel and after all the times he’s made Cas’ entire being just slump with a few choice insults. He knows he can be fucking mean but he just can’t stop; being a nasty son of a bitch pushes people away before they can push him away.

Cas moves closer, his trench coat rustling, and Dean manages to stop his hands from twitching just in the nick of time. He’d love nothing more than to just rip the fucking thing off – along with that damn suit jacket, and the white shirt, and the tie that Cas can’t for the life of him tie straight – and mark up Cas’ body, as if that’ll be enough to keep everyone away from _his_ angel and stop Cas from running off again.

God, he’s so fucking needy. John Winchester would be rolling in his grave.

“I…just came to return this.”

Dean finally turns his head to look at Cas as the angel gingerly sets a cassette tape on the desk. Now his blood’s _really_ boiling. How fucking dare Cas. How _dare_ he just throw that back in Dean’s face, like Dean didn’t spend _hours_ trying to make the damn thing now that cassettes are an endangered species?

“‘S a gift,” Dean says quietly, because if he speaks any louder then he’ll tear the shit out of Cas and he doesn’t want to do that. He fucking hates it when Cas’ face does that wounded puppy thing. “You keep those.”

As he holds the cassette back out, he returns to staring at his computer screen so that he doesn’t have to look at Cas anymore and risk throwing everything to the wind and shoving the angel up against a wall, tongue down his throat. After a moment, Cas takes the cassette and starts to leave, and Dean tries to pretend that this doesn’t hurt like having a knife plunged into his heart and twisted. Sure, Cas is only leaving his room to give him peace, but he’s left so many damn times that Dean’s starting to wonder when he just won’t come back. Part of him wishes that he could tell Cas to fuck off for good, to save himself from further heartbreak, but he knows that this would utterly destroy him.

He doesn’t need Cas. He so doesn’t.

“Cas,” his mouth says without permission before Cas can leave. Cas pauses in the doorway and turns back to face him. “With everything that’s been goin’ on, you can’t – you can’t just go dark like that. We didn’t know what happened to you. We were worried and…that’s not okay.”

Cas’ mouth is slightly open as he stares art Dean, who’s wishing that he never started this damn chick flick moment in the first place and who’s resolutely _not_ looking at that mouth and wishing that he could cover those chapped pink lips with his own.

“Well, I didn’t mean to add to your distress.”

Cas’ tone is neutral – safe, even – but Dean knows the guy well enough to know that beneath that dorky tax accountant visage, he’s in distress himself. For a moment, he almost forgets about everything that’s happened and gives in to the urge to grab Cas and kiss the shit out of him, but he resists. This has to stop _now_ , and it’ll only stop if Dean makes it.

“I…” Cas starts to approach Dean but pauses. “Dean, I just keep failing – again and again. When you were taken, I searched for months and couldn’t find you, and then Kelly escaped on my watch and I couldn’t find her, and I just wanted – I _needed_ to come back here with a win for you – and for myself.”

Though he hates himself for it, Dean just melts at how close Cas sounds to tears. He’s tempted – oh so tempted – to just shut himself off and resort to brushing off Cas’ confession with how he and Sam always fail, then spew a bunch of nasty shit that he doesn’t mean in order to protect himself. But Cas is vulnerable here, baring his heart to Dean, and Dean’s not going to take that heart and rip it to shreds like he always does. He doesn’t know why the fuck he acts like this with Cas when he loves the everlasting hell out of the guy, but it has to stop now. They can’t keep doing this song and dance of hurting each other and leaving, unless they want one of them to leave for good and never come back.

“Cas…” He cringes at how his voice nearly breaks, then takes a deep breath to steel himself. “You don’t need a damn win to be worth something to me.”

“But I _want_ one!” Cas bursts out. “I want to stop being such a failure, Dean! I want you to be able to rely on me to accomplish whatever tasks you give me!”

“I don’t give a fuck if you fail! Cas, Sam and I fail all the fucking time! Do I give Sam the boot for messing up? I should’ve never spoken to him again after he picked Ruby over me – hell, after he went behind my back and got Charlie killed – but I forgave him. Know why? ‘Cause he’s my brother, and we don’t just give up on each other when we fail!”

“Dean –”

“And don’t give me that crap about how you’re ‘just a tool’ and you ‘wanna be useful’. You’re _family_ , you stupid son of a bitch! Grace or no grace, you’re family! Useful or useless, you’re still part of Team Free Will! You didn’t see us up and leave you when you fell during the Apocalypse! And – and you know why I asked you to leave after that reaper crap.”

Dean’s on his feet now, looming over Cas, who just stands stiffly and takes it. Guilt and self-loathing are coursing through Dean right now at this sight – at how used Cas is to just taking it. When the hell did Cas become his punching bag? What the fuck is this mutual relationship of breaking and fixing each other?

“Christ, Cas, I’ll never forgive myself for kicking you out.” Dean’s voice cracks and he turns away, trying to salvage what little pride he’s got left. There’s not very much, to be honest. “It wasn’t ‘cause you were useless, and I hate myself every day for makin’ you feel that way. I hate every time I’ve made you feel like a piece of shit just ‘cause I can’t deal with my issues. You’re fucking amazing, Cas. You put up with me, and you still wanna help even though I treat you like dirt, and I don’t freaking deserve a friend like you.”

He stiffens when arms loop under his, around his chest, and then a chin rests on his shoulder. They stand like that for a while – Cas embracing him, if that can even be called an embrace – and he fights to hold back his tears. Why can’t he just go and rough up a vampire or two right about now? He can stare down Lucifer and crack smartass quips in the face of his own death, but he can’t have a fucking conversation about his feelings without just wanting out.

When it’s clear that Cas isn’t going to say anything, Dean closes his eyes and breathes deeply.

“You want me to rely on you?” he mumbles. “Quit leavin’. All I fuckin’ want is for you to stop leaving but you always do. You always leave me, Cas. And I – I’m sorry for all the times I’ve treated you like shit. If that’s the reason you keep leaving –”

“Dean, it hurts me every time I leave.” Cas’ voice is lower and rougher than usual, husky with emotion that makes Dean shiver. “I always hate it when I have to leave you.”

“Then _why_?”

Cas doesn’t answer at first.

“I went to Heaven to keep you out of it. To keep you safe. That’s all I know how to do, Dean. All that matters to me is that you’re kept safe.”

“That’s not your call to make, Cas.” Dean turns in Cas’ arms and crushes the angel to his chest, burying his nose in dark hair that smells like petrichor and ozone. “How many things have Sam and I pissed off? Our whole _life’s_ an occupational hazard. You can’t keep me outta it, man. We’re in this together, whether you like it or not. ‘S been that way ever since you told Heaven to fuck off during the Apocalypse and joined Team Free Will.”

Cas shudders, then slumps in Dean’s grip.

“We…we’ve found Dagon,” he admits quietly. “The nephil gave off a pulse of celestial energy that we tracked. I – I was asked to retrieve the Colt so that we could kill her.”

“You were gonna steal it.” Dean’s stiff as a plank of wood now, almost breaking Cas in half with how tight his grip is.

“I was going to borrow it…without asking. I wanted to keep you and Sam out of this so that you wouldn’t be hurt. I – I couldn’t bear it if you were hurt, Dean. You’re the most important thing to me in the many billions of years that I’ve been alive. You and Sam.”

Fuck. Cas always has to go big. What the hell’s Dean supposed to say about excluding him and Sam now without looking like an asshole?

 _‘Fuck it,’_ he decides, then draws back. Cas only has a moment to shoot him a hurt, wide-eyed look before Dean’s grabbing his face with both hands and pulling him in for a desperate kiss. He’s had enough of hurting Cas. Now he wants to wipe that hurt look off the angel’s face and show him that hey, he _is_ loved and cared for and he _does_ belong here!

Cas immediately melts into the kiss, raising his arms to wrap them around Dean’s neck and bring him in closer. They’re wrapped so tightly around each other that Dean doesn’t know where the hell he starts and Cas ends – they could’ve merged into one fucked-up being for all he knows, though he can’t find it in himself to care. Not if Cas keeps kissing him like this, parting his lips willingly to let Dean in, and never leaving him again.

“Cas,” he breathes against the angel’s mouth. Cas shivers and curls his fingers in Dean’s short, dark blond hair.

“Dean.”

Then they’re kissing again, though much wilder than before. Wanting to be even closer to Cas than he is now, Dean backs him up to the wall and shoves him into it, flattening Cas’ body to the wall with his as he presses kiss after wet, messy kiss to Cas’ lips.

“Please – Cas, baby, please don’t leave me,” he whispers, his hands gripping Cas’ jaw, thumbs brushing across the angel’s cheeks. Cas whimpers, his hands falling to clutch Dean’s hips, and he works a leg between Dean’s, sending a jolt straight through Dean as his crotch rubs against Cas’ thigh.

“Why do you want me, Dean?” Cas says miserably. “I’m useless. I’m nothing but a broken angel who fails at everything. I break everything I touch.”

Dean growls and hauls Cas away from the wall. Before Cas can say anything, he’s being shoved on his back on the bed and Dean’s flattening himself on top of Cas, one hand tangling in Cas’ hair and the other gripping his chin tightly.

“Don’t you ever fuckin’ say that,” Dean hisses. “You’re not useless. Grace or not, wings or not, you’re _mine_. I – Cas, I _need_ you. I know you don’t believe it but I do.”

He dives in for another desperate kiss, one that Cas sloppily reciprocates after whimpering again and wrapping his fingers around Dean’s biceps in an iron grip.

“You think you break everything you touch? Cas, you _fixed_ me. You didn’t break me. You put me back together.”

“Repairing your body after Hell is the only good thing I have ever done.”

Dean lets out another growl.

“I’m talkin’ about _me_ , dumbass! Not my body. _Me_. I _need_ you. I need you to stop leavin’ me. I need you to just _stay_.”

He does need Cas. He does.

He can feel the exact moment when Cas stops fighting against letting himself have this, because the angel’s body noticeably sags. Almost as though he’d been waiting for this permission, Dean kisses him again – and this time, Cas gives as good as he gets and attacks Dean’s mouth ravenously.

Dean doesn’t remember them removing their clothes – honestly, all he really cares about is keeping his body firmly pressed to Cas’, as if that’ll keep him forever attached to the angel – but he’s almost on autopilot as he sucks a bright hickey into a gasping Cas’ neck and then trails kisses and bites down his chest, with his only objective being ‘make Cas feel good’.

“Dean – you don’t have to do that –” Cas chokes when Dean presses kisses to his inner thighs, angling up towards his hard, curving dick. “I’m not worth –”

He breaks off with a wheezing gasp when Dean’s lips seal around the head, tongue flicking into the slit and lapping up the precome that’s bubbling there, and his fingers dart to Dean’s hair and tugs. Dean’s dick throbs at this sharp pain and he smiles around the dick in his mouth, then sinks down lower until his nose hits the dark curls at the base and Cas’ dick hits the back of his throat. He’s never gone down on a guy before, so his gag reflex is getting in the way just a tad, but he finds that by relaxing his throat and breathing through his nose, he’s largely able to fit Cas’ dick without gagging.

“I’m not – Dean – not worth – don’t deserve –” Cas chants wildly. Dean rolls his eyes, then pulls off Cas’ dick completely, earning a whine.

“You deserve every bit of happiness you can get, you stupid son of a bitch,” Dean says, his voice slightly raspy from sucking dick. “So if you really don’t want it, tell me. If you’re just being a stubborn dick, shut the hell up and enjoy.”

He doesn’t know how long he spends bringing Cas to the edge with his mouth, but he can tell when Cas is about to come by the way the writhing angel’s fast breathing turns into moans and gasps. When he pulls away, Cas lets out a broken whine.

“Cas, can I – what d’you want?” Dean asks. His dick’s as hard as a rock and he wants nothing more than to stick it in Cas, but he’s only gonna go as far as Cas is willing.

“ _You_ ,” Cas says thickly, tears starting to streak down his cheeks. His face soft, Dean reaches out and gently brushes his thumbs across the tear tracks as Cas breaks down underneath him. “Dean, I just – all I want is _you_. I want to feel _useful_.”

Before Dean knows what’s happening, there are arms around his neck and he’s being yanked down into a tight embrace as Cas sobs into his hair. Dean’s heart shatters into pieces at this sound; he’s _never_ heard Cas cry, not _ever_ , and all he can do is lie there and caress Cas’ sides and abdomen, letting him finally break down after years of putting on a stoic face. He isn’t sure how long Cas cries before the angel’s sobs die down to laboured gasps. When Cas’ grip loosens, Dean pushes himself up so that he can see Cas’ splotchy, tear-stained face.

“All better?” he says, wiping the tears away with his fingers. Cas nods, though his lip is still quivering, and Dean leans down and brushes a kiss over each of Cas’ eyelids, then his cheeks, then his mouth. He wants to reassure Cas that there’s nothing wrong with crying and being emotional but, considering his lifelong goal to avoid exhibiting anything that resembles actual emotions, it would be utter bullshit coming from him – and Cas knows that. “What d’you want, Cas? We can stop if you want.”

Cas shakes his head wildly, then grabs one of Dean’s hands and lowers it to gently place it against his tight hole.

“I want you – inside me,” he croaks. Dean’s breath hitches. Fuck, he’s dreamed of this for years, but he has to make sure that this is what Cas wants and that Cas isn’t just asking for this to make Dean happy or something.

“You sure this is what you want?” Dean says. “I gotta be sure, Cas. If you don’t want it, that’s fine – you don’t have to agree to make me happy or somethin’.”

Cas narrows his blue eyes, still slightly wet with tears.

“ _Please_ , Dean. I need you.”

Dean meets his gaze for a few moments, trying to discern if Cas is being a martyr or not, then leans over to his bedside table to rummage in the drawer for the bottle of Astroglide he keeps there. He doesn’t think they’ll need condoms – he’s clean, and Cas is an angel – but he asks anyway, just to be entirely sure.

“We don’t need them, Dean. And I – I want to feel you. All of you.”

Dean inhales sharply, then begins to coat his fingers in lube, allowing it to warm up before he presses them back against Cas’ hole.

“You tell me if I hurt you,” he orders. He waits until Cas nods before pushing a finger inside, and the way Cas gasps and clenches around his finger has him suddenly impatient as hell to get his dick inside, but he’s gonna do this right. He won’t hurt Cas again if he can help it.

It’s not long before Dean has three fingers inside Cas, who’s gasping and panting and rolling his hips down to fuck himself on Dean’s fingers, his hands twisted in the sheets next to his head. Scissoring his fingers one last time, he then removes them and lubes his dick up, then positions it at Cas’ stretched hole.

“You sure you wanna do this?” he says. In response, Cas reaches down to grab handfuls of Dean’s ass and physically pull him inside. Dean chokes at the feeling of his dick sliding into Cas.

“Christ, Cas,” he says in a strangled voice, keeping his pace slow so as not to hurt Cas. Cas just moans deeply and wraps his legs around Dean’s waist, hooking his ankles at the small of Dean’s back, and Dean leans down once he’s fully seated in Cas to press their chests together and kiss Cas softly.

“Move, Dean,” Cas murmurs, eyes squeezed shut and arms rising to grip Dean’s shoulder blades. Dean taps the side of his face in chastisement.

“Eyes open, sunshine,” he says. “This isn’t something you’re just accepting ‘cause you think it’ll make me happy, otherwise I’m pullin’ out. You fucking deserve to be happy. You capiche?”

Cas’ eyes flutter open, revealing glazed blue

“I capiche,” he says, sounding almost out of it already. Dean rewards him with a kiss and then begins to move, groaning softly at the feel of sliding in and out of Cas’ hot, tight hole. Cas squirms underneath him, clenching around him and moaning softly, and Dean has to resist the urge to just let go and pound into Cas like his life depends on it. He’s doing this for Cas, and he’s gonna show the angel that he damn well cares about him and needs him. He hasn’t had slow, sweet sex in…Christ, he can’t remember how long. He usually sticks to either quick and dirty or a little slower and playful – slow and sweet is something he’s only ever reserved for Cassie, the only other person he’s ever loved like this. But even his feelings for Cassie have never compared to just how much he fucking loves Cas – and, as much as it terrifies him, it feels amazing to let himself think this about Cas, even if he’s inevitably going to get fucked over again.

Cas must still be wound up from the blowjob because it doesn’t take long for him to come, arching against Dean with a near-silent cry and clinging with his arms and legs as tightly as he can. Dean groans as Cas’ hole flutters and clenches around him, and it only takes another three thrusts or so before he’s coming too, emptying himself inside Cas as he crushes their lips together. If it was anyone else, he’d hit himself at having come so quickly – but the sight of Cas’ orgasm face, with his eyes squeezed shut and his mouth hanging open, is enough to send him hurtling over that edge and make him come completely undone.

They lie together for a moment, panting and collecting themselves, before Dean pulls out of Cas with a groan and fumbles over the side of the bed for one of their discarded pieces of clothing. After a moment, his fingers close around a pair of boxers – his, to be precise, though he really has no fucks to give – and he quickly cleans himself and Cas up, then pulls the covers up over them and holds the trembling angel close.

“I love you, Dean,” Cas eventually murmurs into Dean’s chest. Dean sucks in a sharp breath.

“I – yeah – me too,” he finally says lamely. “I just – I can’t –”

“I understand that you can’t say it, Dean. I know.”

Dean turns onto his side and pulls Cas even closer, so that the angel’s face is buried in his collar. It’s not close enough – it’ll never be close enough, not after Dean’s literally been inside him – but it does the trick for now, and Cas sags in his arms and drapes an arm loosely over Dean’s waist.

“We’re in this together, you got that?” Dean says firmly, kissing the top of Cas’ head. “Sam and I are comin’ to help you take down Dagon. Quit bein’ a hero and tryin’ to protect us.”

Cas stiffens for a moment, then goes lax again and nods.

“Okay, Dean.”

“Besides, how do you think I feel, you always puttin’ yourself in danger like that? You can’t keep me in a bubble and rush off to throw yourself in danger. Doesn’t work that way.”

“Sam would beg to differ,” Cas said, his voice muffled against Dean’s body. Dean snorts loudly and swats Cas on the ass, making the angel jolt slightly.

“You smartass,” he says fondly. “Just don’t leave me again. You’re amazing and gorgeous, Cas, and I fuckin’ need you. Promise?”

Cas is silent for a moment.

“I promise.”

“Good. Now go to sleep.”

“I don’t need to sleep. But I’ll watch over you.”

Once upon a time, Dean would’ve groaned and protested about creepiness and personal space while secretly enjoying it. But now, he just grins.

“Sure thing, sunshine. Whatever you want.”


End file.
